If I Fix You Read online

  “You don’t eat movie popcorn.”

  Claire threw up her arms. “I told you I couldn’t think of anything.”

  “I like her too.”

  “You do?”

  “Claire, I’m not in love with Sean anymore. Cami’s nice, and she really seems to like him.”

  “I know! Did you see the way she looked at him? As if Sean needs a bigger head.” Claire cast a sideways look at me. “So you’re fine with everything? I had to make sure you weren’t going to bail again tomorrow. Sean is completely worthless when you don’t show up.” She did that thing where she looked at me but pretended she wasn’t. “I doubt he would even come if you weren’t there.”

  “Don’t start, Claire.”

  “What? You didn’t see how disappointed he was the other morning.” When I didn’t answer, she pressed on. “I think he’s just being nice to her because she’s new.”

  “If he was any nicer to her she’d be pregnant.”

  Claire’s mouth pinched along with her eyebrows. “Oh, please. I’ve seen him flirt way more than that with the school librarian when he’s trying to get out of an overdue book fine.”

  “Then it doesn’t really matter, does it? Not to him. And not to me either.”

  “But I really think he’s starting to come around.”

  “Well, he’s too late.”

  Claire sighed as we finally reached my street. “You don’t mean that. You should, but you don’t.”

  I silently groaned. I didn’t want to think about Sean like that. I wanted to think about him as my friend. As someone I loved, but wasn’t in love with. I wanted to be happy if he was happy. I wanted to be able to hang out with him and not think about what almost was. Not think about why it never happened. Why so many things went so very wrong. Because that was about so much more than Sean. And if I tried really hard, maybe I could keep him away from the rest of it.

  I wanted to be able to keep him, and I wouldn’t be able to if I kept trudging down this same, well-worn path.

  Claire was frowning and smiling at me when we reached my house. She didn’t understand. Maybe that was my fault for not telling her everything when my mom left. But even months later, every fiber in my being recoiled at the thought of those words spilling over my lips. The only person I’d come close to telling was Daniel, and I was pretty sure he wouldn’t be coming around anymore.

  So instead I made some joke about the movie and Claire laughed. We hugged goodbye and I sent her home to her picture-perfect family where her mom always waited up for her.

  And I went inside to my dark house.

  CHAPTER 15

  I was trapped and Claire knew it. Cami had followed through with her invitation to hang out the following night, and Claire’s last-minute option was the less torturous of the two. Marginally.

  It wasn’t Cami’s fault she liked Sean. It was my fault that I couldn’t deal with watching them together. All in all I deserved to help Claire paint her bedroom for the third time that month.

  “This is definitely the color, don’t you think?” Claire held a paint chip against her wall. The shade in question looked identical to the one already on her walls.

  “They’re ripping you off, Claire. I don’t care what name they call it, that is the exact color you bought before. And the time before that. And the time before that.”

  She gaped at me. “It’s like four shades darker.” She held the chip in front of my face, as if the proximity would somehow turn it into a different color.

  I shook my head.

  She squatted next to the paint trays and held out a roller. “I promise you’ll see the difference once it dries.”

  I seriously doubted that.

  Claire pried the lid off a paint can with an ease that spoke of way too much practice. “We should call Sean. I bet he bailed on Cami when he found out you wouldn’t be there.”

  “Maybe we should call Micah Porter. I know he’d blow off plans to see you.”

  “Take that back!”

  My eyes lit up. “I knew it! You’re always staring at him in choir.”

  “That’s because he sings off-key.”

  “What’s the big deal? Micah’s really nice and he obviously likes you. He’s a little short, but so are you.” I spun my roller in my hand. “Maybe we should see if he’s free.”

  Claire snatched the roller from me, cheeks so red she looked sunburned. “Be serious. We’re not calling Micah. I’m telling you I don’t like him. Can you honestly say the same about Sean?”

  I answered automatically. “Yes.”

  Claire gave me her look. The one that said yeah right. “Why do I have to believe you but you don’t have to believe me?”

  “Because,” she said. “Back in junior high, I didn’t drag you along as a volunteer dog-walker as an excuse to go past Micah’s house. And I didn’t ask Micah’s mom for possible names for our future children. And I—”

  “I never did that!” Technically. I’d asked Sean’s sister. Plus I’d been nine.

  “I just remembered that fake wedding album you made in fourth grade.” Claire curled into a ball laughing. “I can’t believe I forgot about that. You were so insane back then! Tell me you still have it.”

  “Are you kidding? I burned it years ago and set fire to the ashes.”

  “It’s in that box under your bed, isn’t it?”

  “Noooo,” I said, in the least convincing manner ever.

  “Hmm” was all Claire said. “I rest my case.”

  “Fine, I’ll call him. It’s not a big deal.” I grabbed my phone. “Hey,” I said when Sean answered.

  “What’s up?”

  “We’re about to start painting Claire’s room again.”

  “Same color?”

  “No, this one is apparently four imperceptible shades darker.” I ducked as the paintbrush Claire tossed at my head knocked a picture off her wall.

  “They’re ripping her off.”

  “Yep.” I eyed Claire, making sure she heard Sean say the exact same thing I’d said.

  Claire rolled her eyes, then stood there with her hands on her hips waiting.

  It really wasn’t a big deal, so I asked him. “Did you bail on Cami?”

  “Yeah. I’m tired.”

  I waited for him to elaborate, but he didn’t. “That’s it? You’re tired?”

  Sean yawned loudly. “I haven’t slept more than five hours a day in weeks, I’m allowed to be tired, Jill.”

  “I know, but...now Claire feels bad that we all ditched Cami.” That was a lie. Claire was bobbing her head at me to some unheard song and mouthing I told you so over and over again.

  “So you want me to what, un-bail on her?”

  I paused. I couldn’t bring myself to say yes but saying no felt almost worse. “I’m only calling because Claire wanted you to know there’s a third roller with your name on it. Do you want to co—” I heard a click and held the phone out to see the display.

  “So?” Claire asked, stretching out on the bed. “He’s coming?”

  I pushed her feet off one side and dropped down next to her. “Yeah, no. But he did hang up on me, so there goes your theory.”

  She shook her head while pulling her white-blond curls into a bun. “That’s because you made it sound like I was the only one who wanted to call him.”

  It felt pointless to point out the truth of that statement.

  “But that’s fine, we don’t need his help.” She held her hands up high for me to slap, and I responded with a yawn.

  “Sorry. I really am tired. And the AC went out at the garage.” I took the roller she offered and started in on the top half of the wall while Claire began cutting in along the baseboards.

  “I thought you looked extra flushed earli
er.”

  Yeah. That was why. Claire was sitting and bent low over her brush, so I spelled out Sean’s name in big letters then rolled over it. “You remember my neighbor?”

  Claire looked up in time to catch a drip from my roller on her nose. “Nice, Jill. It’s supposed to go on the wall, you know.” She wiped it off with her thumb. “The guy from the roof? Yeah. Why? Did you catch him going crazy again?”

  I was up on my tiptoes trying not to hit the ceiling. “I’ve been hanging out with him a little.”

  Claire made a noncommittal sound and kept edging.

  “He’s actually kind of cool. He’s from Philadelphia. I don’t know him all that well yet, but he’s pretty cool so far. He’s got this really cool old Jeep.”

  Claire stopped painting. “Uh-oh. You just said ‘cool’ like three times.”

  I kept painting. “I did not.”

  “Uh, yeah, you did.” I heard the smile in Claire’s voice without even looking at her. When I had to bend down for more paint, she pulled the tray away. “Define ‘a little.’ Exactly how much have you been hanging out with Neighbor Guy?”

  “His name is Daniel. And just a couple times.” I leaned around her and reloaded my roller. A few more drops landed in Claire’s hair but she ignored them.

  “Okay, go all the way back and tell me everything.”

  Claire bit her tongue no less than four times while I was talking, but she didn’t interrupt me, something I was supremely grateful for.

  “You should have seen his face when I told him how old I was.”

  Claire let out a sigh that made me frown. “That’s a good thing. If your age didn’t bother him we’d have a whole different kind of problem.”

  “We’re not going out or anything.”

  “But you want to.”

  “Just forget it.” My arms suddenly felt like I was carrying bowling balls as I looked at Claire’s two remaining unpainted walls. “Do we have to do this right now?”

  “Talk or paint?”

  “Both.” I nudged the paint tray away with my foot.

  “You always do this.” Claire set her roller down in the tray. “Why did you bring him up if you didn’t want to talk about him?”

  “’Cause I wanted you to know what was going on, not so you could lecture me about it. You always do that.”

  “What am I supposed to do when you tell me you’re hanging out with a much older guy you barely know, who may or may not be a violent criminal?”

  I made a sound of disgust. “He’s not a criminal, violent or otherwise.”

  It was Claire’s turn to roll her eyes. “You know I have been on board with Jill&Sean4Ever since the beginning. You and Sean make sense to me. You and older-dangerous-guy-I-don’t-know? You’re gonna have to give me more than the one night on that one, okay?” When I didn’t respond, she added, “Is this about Sean and Cami? ’Cause you know that’s never gonna happen.”

  “No, I don’t know that,” I said, a little harsher than I meant to. “And you don’t either. And it wouldn’t be the end of the world. At least we like Cami.”

  “Yeah, but...”

  “Nothing is ever going to happen with me and Sean.”

  “Why? Seriously, why? You don’t stop loving someone overnight, Jill. It doesn’t work like that.”

  “It wasn’t overnight.”

  “One night we’re plotting your first kiss, and the next you barely say a word to him. You aren’t your mom. You don’t have to give up on Sean just because your mom gave up on your dad.”

  I started to feel ill, listening to her. I would swear the paint fumes were making me dizzy, except Claire always bought the environmentally friendly kind that you could probably eat if you wanted to. “Is that what you think?”

  Claire lowered her voice. “You won’t talk about it, so what am I supposed to think?”

  If Claire had spoken to me in anything less than the gentlest tone known to man, I might have been able to deflect her.

  “I just woke up, okay. Sean is my friend and that’s all I want from him anymore.”

  Claire sat quietly staring at me until I started painting again, then with a deep sigh, reached for her own brush. “Okay, but are you sure that’s all he wants from you?”

  CHAPTER 16

  I didn’t regret telling Claire about Daniel. Sometimes her borderline friend-brain comments were helpful. She’d had plenty to say about Daniel and some of it had nothing to do with Sean at all.

  Over the next few days, I told myself that it made sense for me to think about him—Daniel, not Sean—given that his house was a mere pop can’s throw away (ha!). I didn’t overhear any fights between him and his mom. I didn’t even hear his Jeep when he came home at night—always a good hour after his mom—which caused me a moment of pride at how quiet his brakes were.

  But then I’d think about him in his room or somewhere and I’d wonder if any other part of his life was getting better.

  Or if, like his window, it was just taped over.

  And then one night he walked out his back door.

  Unlike the first night we “met” I didn’t try to hide. I sat up on my roof facing his yard.

  Daniel leaned against the side of his house for only a few seconds, looking up at me before scaling the wall and pulling himself onto my roof. He sat next to me a second later.

  “Hey,” he said.

  “Hi.”

  “This okay?” he asked, before meeting my eye.

  I hesitated. “Would you leave if I said no?”

  He nodded. “Yeah.”

  I’d kept pretty busy all week. At the shop and running with Sean and Claire. My thighs were screaming proof of the latter. I’d almost given up on the roof that night when my muscles protested as I climbed out the window. But I’d gone up anyway. Not because of Daniel, but not entirely not because of Daniel either.

  I’d thought my roof was my sanctuary, my way of escaping from everyone and everything. But it wasn’t. It was kind of nice to think about sharing it with someone who needed it maybe more than I did.

  Daniel relaxed when I shook my head. I didn’t want him to leave.

  “So we’re clear, I didn’t have a birthday in the last few days.”

  He glanced at me sideways, a smile lighting his face like the moon lit us. “We’re joking about this already?”

  What was the alternative? “You never told me how old you are.” I almost didn’t want to know. I was glad he was looking up at the sky and couldn’t see my face when he answered.

  “Twenty-one.”

  Five years. He was four years older and however many months, if I rounded down. Not that four years was any better than five. I didn’t need Claire to tell me that. I suddenly understood Daniel’s initial reaction to my age so much better.

  “Yeah,” Daniel said with a humorless laugh. “Exactly.”

  We both fell silent.

  He noticed the unopened pop can next to me. “That for me?”

  And he questioned my humor? Okay, then. “Nope.” I reached into the bag by my feet and pulled out one of Dad’s old baseballs. “This was for you, or more accurately, your house. Just in case.”

  I was still testing things with Daniel, so I wasn’t sure if I’d totally misread his question until he smiled.

  “Things have been quiet.”

  “I noticed.” I also noticed that quiet wasn’t the same as better.

  “You been okay?”

  My auto response was at the ready before I realized I didn’t have to give it. I could actually tell the truth without getting psychoanalyzed or pitied in response. Really, what was the worst that could happen? Daniel deciding he didn’t want to talk to me anymore? I already knew what that felt like. His situation was already worse than mine. May
be he wouldn’t even bat an eye.

  So I told him the truth. All of it.

  “My mom called. The last time I talked to her was one hundred and forty-three days ago, right after I caught her trying to undress the guy I’d been in love with for as long as I can remember.” I hated that my throat felt thick as I squeezed out those words. I tried to smile, but had to look away before I could manage it. I had never said these words to another living soul. “In her note she said that she was suffocating but she never blamed me. Wasn’t that nice of her?” I couldn’t find the right place to look. My breath picked up.

  “You okay?”

  “Yeah. I just can’t believe I told you that.”

  Daniel’s expression hadn’t changed. There was no disgust or pity on his face. Nothing that said he’d treat me differently, just that maybe he did understand.

  “Actually, I can,” I added, instantly changing my mind. “I don’t feel any better about it, but I don’t feel like I’m choking on it all either.” So I kept talking. “She only talked to my dad. I don’t even know what she wants.” I shook my head then stopped. “Maybe she wants a tune-up. Or Sean’s number.” I hated how bitter I sounded, but after Dad’s cryptic words, bitterness was all I had left.

  She wants everything.

  If I let that go, the fear at what everything could be would devour me.

  “Sean as in the guy you run with?”

  “Sean as in the guy she tried to maul.” Another deep breath.

  There was nothing else to say about that. Fortunately Daniel didn’t need me to ask if we could change the subject.

  “I’ve seen you a couple times running by the canals.”

  That startled me. There were always cars driving past. It hadn’t occurred to me that he might have been one of them. “I haven’t seen you.”

  “Yeah, I’ve been busy. I had a job lined up before I moved out here, but it fell through. Trying to find something else.”

  “And?”

  He shrugged. “Maybe.”

  I added chatty to the scant list of things I knew about Daniel.

  “It’s too bad you don’t know more about cars. My dad keeps threatening to hire a new mechanic so he can take a day off every now and then.” That was a lie. We didn’t have enough business to hire anyone. I was babbling.